Miss Jekyll and Miss Hyde

I really enjoy learning. I love the idea of being an eternal student, reading, listening to lectures, discussing issues with others..I’m sure you get the picture.

On the other hand I can be a very lazy student! I don’t think I’m any different to anyone else who learns or studies- sometimes I resist and rebel. And at the moment I seem to be resisting A LOT!  I feel very lazy and I feel I lost my motivation too, despite really enjoying my course! There’s something in exams and assignments that basically makes me freeze. But I’ve noticed that this feeling appears mainly when I study something relating to my profession,something that really matters to me – suddenly everything becomes difficult, unclear, problematic and I lose my confidence faster than in any other life situations.  It’s like there are two different personas in me: one, the main character, who can just stand in front of the class, confident, engaging, encouraging , funny yet strict. And then there is the other one: this backstage person, who runs around like a headless chicken, panicking, sweating (sorry, gently glowing- after all I’m a lady 😉 ), panting, crying, cringing and not believing in own  skills and abilities. Where the hell did she come from?! How on earth something that makes me become alive tends to first suck the life out of me?!

Once one of my fellow teachers (and a dear friend of mine) told me that he had prepared himself to see a total disaster and me having a meltdown in front of students after having seen me trying to prepare lesson plan and materials for my observed lesson…and then he had a shock of his life when he saw pretty much a different person, who just seemed to have borrowed my body, to conduct one of the best classes to date!

So here I am, just pretty much hours before my draft assignment is due, totally frozen, yet with lots of ideas and projects in my head that I could focus on and…nothing is happening! There’s something in me that I feel almost physically drags me away from the starting point, that brings up panic and anxiety , that wakes up this perfectionist (or is it my Inner Critic ?) who, I believe,  I’m  never going to satisfy…. I can tell you one thing- it’s not fricking funny to be in this situation right now (*sigh*).

But then I know that it will pass and I’ll come up with something and it’s gonna be ok. And I also know that once I stand again in front of my class, it’s gonna be more than just ok. If anyone ever judged how good teacher I am based on my backstage performance, I’d probably be screwed! But if they observed the real deal they might never believe it’s the same person. Oh well, that’s just me 🙂
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I’m almost fascinated by this juxtaposition I carry in me: why is there, what is it trying to teach me, where did it come from ? I bet there’s a reason for all of this. It’s just I’d rather leave the backstage now and take the main stage with confidence and artistry that I have in me.

 

 

7 Replies to “Miss Jekyll and Miss Hyde”

  1. This is very interesting. I was thinking today about people who have experience in teaching, I was saying to myself, that probably teaching helps them act with more authority in everyday life to, but after reading your article, I have second thoughts. Maybe teaching is just a skill you get because you practice, and doesn’t necessarily become a part of your personality in everyday life. At least not the skills and attitude you adopt in the classroom. Though, there might be some influences.

    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think like in any profession it’s important to develop, adapt to changes and practise newly learnt skills, i.e. for me it’s use of technology in the classroom. However, I noticed a big difference when I am being a teacher and when I’m being a student: I don’t panic that much as a teacher- there’s a totally different story when I turn into a student, lol 😉

  2. Thank you for your frank and honest post, Karina. (As if you would do anything else!) I totally hear you. I feel I am often in the same situation. I am also doing an MA now, and ‘all’ I have to do is my final project and I am done…but two years have passed and I am still avoiding it! The irony is, is that in many ways, I have done it. I mean I have taken all that I have learned on the MA, and I have applied it in my real life and have had great results in terms of teaching face to face, teaching online and designing lessons and courses in general. If I were to grade myself I would have a distinction! And yet, I struggle to pull myself back to the rigidity of my dissertation project to get that final grade. I think what I’m (we’re?) struggling with is the perennial fear of failure. Even if I am faaaaaaar from failing. Failing is a remote possibility. And I get obsessed with that, even if it’s like only 0.00001% possible! So it’s a matter of looking failure in the face, and then pushing him over, in order to walk towards our destiny!

    1. Thanks,Karina. Yeah, this ‘F’ thing…. Fear, I mean of course 😉 There’s another thing it started occurring to me too- and I owe it to my daily meditations- I realised that the education system I survived (!) had put such a rigid structure around me that every time I’ve got some flexibility and freedom to do something my way, I struggle. But at least I know I’ve got another wall to demolish and I know exactly which one too! Good luck to me 😉 Thanks for your encouragement!

    1. Hahah, indeed 😀 But my sleeping patterns have been changing as the week progresses- I’ve been going to sleep around 2am last few days.
      Pomidoro is a good technique indeed- I used it when I was preparing for my Delta! Yeah, I should start using it again I guess, thanks for the reminder 🙂

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