I really enjoy learning. I love the idea of being an eternal student, reading, listening to lectures, discussing issues with others..I’m sure you get the picture.
On the other hand I can be a very lazy student! I don’t think I’m any different to anyone else who learns or studies- sometimes I resist and rebel. And at the moment I seem to be resisting A LOT! I feel very lazy and I feel I lost my motivation too, despite really enjoying my course! There’s something in exams and assignments that basically makes me freeze. But I’ve noticed that this feeling appears mainly when I study something relating to my profession,something that really matters to me – suddenly everything becomes difficult, unclear, problematic and I lose my confidence faster than in any other life situations. It’s like there are two different personas in me: one, the main character, who can just stand in front of the class, confident, engaging, encouraging , funny yet strict. And then there is the other one: this backstage person, who runs around like a headless chicken, panicking, sweating (sorry, gently glowing- after all I’m a lady 😉 ), panting, crying, cringing and not believing in own skills and abilities. Where the hell did she come from?! How on earth something that makes me become alive tends to first suck the life out of me?!
Once one of my fellow teachers (and a dear friend of mine) told me that he had prepared himself to see a total disaster and me having a meltdown in front of students after having seen me trying to prepare lesson plan and materials for my observed lesson…and then he had a shock of his life when he saw pretty much a different person, who just seemed to have borrowed my body, to conduct one of the best classes to date!
So here I am, just pretty much hours before my draft assignment is due, totally frozen, yet with lots of ideas and projects in my head that I could focus on and…nothing is happening! There’s something in me that I feel almost physically drags me away from the starting point, that brings up panic and anxiety , that wakes up this perfectionist (or is it my Inner Critic ?) who, I believe, I’m never going to satisfy…. I can tell you one thing- it’s not fricking funny to be in this situation right now (*sigh*).
But then I know that it will pass and I’ll come up with something and it’s gonna be ok. And I also know that once I stand again in front of my class, it’s gonna be more than just ok. If anyone ever judged how good teacher I am based on my backstage performance, I’d probably be screwed! But if they observed the real deal they might never believe it’s the same person. Oh well, that’s just me 🙂
I’m almost fascinated by this juxtaposition I carry in me: why is there, what is it trying to teach me, where did it come from ? I bet there’s a reason for all of this. It’s just I’d rather leave the backstage now and take the main stage with confidence and artistry that I have in me.